Mister Big Time
by Scirocco
Summary: I think it sux. Hecate doesn't. So just read it.


Mister Big Time  
  
Author's Note- Even though song-fics are usually depressing, I have decided to break that evil trend and write a funny one. This is also a more modern-ish and electronic-y HP fic, so bear with me here. Enjoy or whatever.  
  
I've been watchin' my TV,  
It's got a hundred different stations.  
They all look the same to me  
Now I'm ready for a new sensation  
  
Blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. After all these years, Dumbledore's voice can just drone on. and on, and on... Blah. I'll just try to tell him I'm tending to more "VERY IMPORTANT AND CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS", and attempt to lie straight-faced.   
"Ok, ok...yes, yes.... alright, I really... yes, yes... YES! I REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW!" Damn that was hard.  
In order to understand the rest of this wonderful fic, you have to understand some things about me. I am Hagrid. I have been overweight all of me life. Dumbledore, underneath all that old man-ish-annoying-ness, is a good man, who let me be game-keeper here at Hogwarts, Castle From Hell. Overall, my life is pretty boring. I mean, handling hippogriffs, random giant spiders, and dragons... what a yawn. I've been doing the same thing, over and over, for the past 100 years of my exciting life. Wake up, eat, feed random chaotic animals, have a coffee, take a nap, handle annoying little kids like Draco and Harry, eat some more, have another coffee or two with a few beers, sleep and do it all over again. Eah day just drags longer and longer.   
  
I'm gettin' ready for the big time,  
Someday I'm gonna be big time news.  
Don't have to take it when you're big time,  
Someday you'll call me Mr. Big Time too.  
  
An Idea just hit me. A quite large idea. In fact, a mammoth idea that involves a drum set, 2 guitars, a safety pin, and a hippogriff. Hmmm... I'm going to start a band!! That's IT! It'll be me on guitar, Filch on bass, and Ol' Mad-Eye bangin' the drums. What's the safety pin for, you ask? My eyebrow ring of course! And the hipogriff? Transportation, mascot, and inspiration. But of course our band will need a name. Oh, how perfect- Griff183! They'll LOVE us!  
  
In the big reclining chair,  
With a cold six-pack of beer,  
You've got a front row seat  
Lean back and put up your feet,  
Man, the future's lookin' bright from here.  
  
Just back from Honeydukes. I'm a tad tipsy, but I'm sure the class won't mind. I'll just take them on a casual field trip to the Forbidden Forest, for, you know, a little fun. Maybe my spider friends will knock off that Harry character. Another great idea! No more Harry... That will cause so much chaos that they'll never notice Filch, Mad-Eye, and I have gone! Heh, heh...  
I just had a sudden inspiration for song names:  
-What's Your Name Again? (a song for the drunken and lonely)  
-All the Little Dots (that I see in front of my eyes when I'm drunk)  
-First Drink (a memoir to the first drink I ever had, and the night I became an alcoholic)  
-Story of a Wasted Guy (AKA me)  
-The Beer Show (always good entertainment)  
-Happy Holidays, You Drunken Fool! (It's Christmas Eve and I've only had two f***in beers..)  
AH.... The wonders of creativity!  
  
I'm gettin' ready for the big time,  
Someday I'm gonna be big time news.  
I can taste it, I'll be prime-time,  
Someday I'm gonna be big time news.  
  
And we'll be on E!, and Bravo!, and even... ::gasps:: MTV!!!! ::sighs:: Carson is SO sexy!.... Heh heh heh...  
  
Don't have to take it when you're big time,  
Someday you'll call me Mr. Big Time too.  
  
Filch has agreed. I've worked on Mad-Eye for day, and he's joined, though quite reluctantly. ::grins::  
"We doin'/Big Pimpin', spendin' cheese..." I love that song! I'm gonna be IN DA MON-AY! (excuse my ghettonese...)  
  
I'm gettin' ready for the big time,  
Someday I'm gonna be big time news.  
Ain't gonna waste it when I'm big time,  
I'll be ready for it bing, bang, boom....  
  
$1,000,000............ $2,000,000............. We be spendin' cheese alright! Another song idea- Humans Exist.  
Album Title Ideas  
-Cheshire Snake  
-The Hag, Fil, and Mad-Eye Show  
-Peeves of the Castle  
-Take Off Your Head and Fling It (we'll need Nearly Headless for that one though...)  
  
"I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!" I LUV U SPONGE!  
  
I can taste it I'll be prime-time,  
Someday I'm gonna be in big time news  
Don't have to take it when you're big time,  
Someday you'll call me Mr. Big Time too.   
  
Take that Dumbledore you old bag! ::plays long and LOUD riff::  
  
Author's Note- Griff 183 went on to make millions. All the Little Dots and The Beer Show went to number one on the Top 40 Countdown and TRL. Take Off Your Head and Fling It! sold over 1,000,000 copies, and their Wacked Tour show brought in over 10,000 fans!  
  
Disclaimer- "Mister Big Time"- Jon Bon Jovi, The "I'm ready" quote goes to our beloved Spongebob, Hagrid and all them belong to J.K.R., and all of the song/band/album names and titles are based on Blink 182. 


End file.
